okay, so I'm not actually stopping the planning of the wedding thing, mostly because I've had some great ideas for jewellery and it gives me a direction on things i have to learn to make it how i want it. But it's not the desperate peer-pressure 'the clock is ticking' planning (although i'll stand by what i said about wanting to be breeding in a couple of years). y'see I spent yesterday evening at a hen's night (something I've never done before) and it was...interesting. During dinner, two of the bridesmaids who didn't know each other (and who are also getting married) seemed to be bonding along nicely. However, at the cocktail bar afterward, the one without money was dropped like a hot rock to sit, drinkless, by herself when the third bridesmaid (who I don't mind saying I detest, and who is also getting married, despite the fact that if she had a heart it would consist of rock with little bits of ice stuck to it and the dude she's gettin hitched to is basically a walking, talking piggybank she can screw. bitter? who me?!) turned up. I learnt several things. The first one is that leaving the bridesmaids to figure out their own outfits is probably not the best idea. Second is, if there are people invited to your hens night who do not have 'means' opt not to let the rich people plan it because it makes the budget conscious one feel self-conscious and left out (not good if they happen to be a bridesmaid). And thirdly make sure your bridesmaids all know and like each other, the ensuing bitchiness, while amusing, is not particularly good for maintaining long friendships. Something to remember is that it may be an honor to someone to be asked to be heavily involved in their friends' wedding, but it's also a responsibility for the bride (or groom) to keep them involved and not to turn the honor into a slap in the face. (for the hen in question: I am not saying that you're doing this hun, I am saying your other bridesmaids are making the other one feel this way. This is almost certainly not even my business, but I have to call it as I see it. Perhaps a simple acknowledgment of the situation would go a ways to relieving it? ok, I am officially butting out now!)
Anyhoo, the whole situation made me really think about my own wedding. I know it's going to happen because the man I have right now is the keeper. The poor boy doesn't stand a chance at escape! I was idly looking at a site which discussed writing your own vows, and it makes the suggestion of asking yourself a few questions to get ideas of what to say. A couple of those questions were things like 'what is it you love the most about your partner, what does your partner do for you that you appreciate the most, what does marriage really mean to you?' And it got me thinking about the things I really love about Gareth and what he means to me and what being married to him would mean. I confess I started crying about it as I drove to work this morning (5.45am is a particularly emotional time!). I just kept thinking how lucky I was that I had someone who puts up with my millions of faults and flaws, my shit moods and nastiness with nothing but an ocean of patience and some sort of calm knowledge that I'll wake up to myself and realise what a bitch i can be and do something about it. he's supportive and sweet, realistic and reasonable to the point of annoying bluntness sometimes, but we all need a strong voice of reason in our lives (i don't think i have an inbuilt one!). He has a sense of romance and a sense of humour, and a deep-running sense of art that sometimes emerges from within his pragmatic engineers' shell.
The most important reason why I love him so much is because he's saved me. I have spent so much time being scared that I'll never find someone to love me like he does, that I will be lonely all my life. I have shed too many tears to even contemplate because of these feelings. But now that I know he's there and that he will always be there so long as i do learn to show my gratitude for his presence in my life, I just feel this great sense of relief. I won't be lonely anymore, I'll have someone to share all those years with, and I'll love him for it the rest of my life.
In the middle of these tears and revelations it occured to me that it doesn't matter if everyone in the world decided to get married before us. This is OUR relationship, and we will come to make that commitment, and make it officially when the time is right for us. So I'm cured of the 'time ticking away' madness. Time is arbitrary to true lovers. Sure I'm going to keep thinking about the wedding itself, have little ideas about it all the time because that's what women do, and now I know that it's going to happen and who it's going to happen with. It's just that now, the colour of the napkins on the day doesn't mean shit to me!
And now if you'll excuse me, I have a gorgeous man to go and hug!
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