Thursday, February 28, 2008

brain muscle strain

have you ever thought? I mean so much that it kinda hurts and you feel dizzy?

I've been like that through the last week or so. Its like there's so much going on in my brain that conversations i have, even important ones with people i care about, seem like they're coming at me through a funnel and I'm just catching a few words because my brain is being so loud. I think in circles and my mood goes around with them. I think about all sorts of things: work; study; inspiration; the future; coffee; jewellery; my own abilities; resumes; research; organising; money...etc.

Its all a bit random to put here. It doesn't go away and let me sleep. I feel motivated one moment, and gloomy the next. I think of all the things I should have done, been, said. I think of all the things I could do, be say, achieve. I think of how to do it all and how lost I am when it comes to doing it. I think I don't have the courage. I think I'm to angry not to do something. I think I'll fail, or that even if some things change, the important stuff wont. And just what is the important stuff? What are my priorities? Are they right, am I doing this right?!

I should count my blessings. freedom, family, friends, love, kinship, health, home, stability. I should be happy with these things. I am happy with these things. There are other things in the way though. things that drag me away from feeling good about what I've got and make me feel sad about where I am, where I spend my time and in what mental state. Its unhealthy. Its frustrating, and unfair.

Does everybody feel this way sometimes? maybe I'm mental, or have a disorder brought on by unfulfillment. don't most of us feel that way some time? like its not enough, like there should be something, somewhere, better for us to be. there has to be something better. If there's not I don't think I could stand it.

And now that last sentence looks like I'm suicidal. I'm not. I could never be. I guess I have some courage after all because I could never consider that an option. So that leaves me with change. Making a change. No one else will do it for me. I have to take that grain of courage and make a change. Pick a direction, make a break. Stop. Breath. Escape...

and try again.

2 comments:

Joselle said...

Yes my Darling cherry Jelly, everyone feels that way sometimes. We are moving into a phase of our lives when we look back and examine REALLY closely everything that ever has been and ask why, did we do enough, are we enough we should do more, other people have done more, ect ect ect. It is the state of human affairs that no matter how wonderful stuff is going, you always want MORE... I bet the most sucessful person would look into the mirror of erised ect ect ect :)I can tell you that you are one of the most amazingly wonderful talented and lovely persons i know, and it won't make a bit of difference. Nevertheless, it is true. You are allowed to have thoughts of i could be more..... insert whatever here, because they will drive you to DO and BE more, as long as you are nice to yourself and realise that you already have created and done SO much and give yourself credit for that.

Joselle said...

Ps... check out some info about saturn return :) i think it's happening to you and me :)